The world of attorney advertising is probably one you don’t want to look too closely at. It’s also one that many attorneys don’t want you to look too closely at. Especially when it comes to “former” prosecutors working as criminal defense attorneys.
Those guys are my favorites. Prancing around like proud peacocks and showing off their pretty feathers because they were prosecutors. They know “both sides” of the coin, you know. They’re obviously better at keeping you out of jail because they spent the last 20 years trying to put you in jail, right?
Having just finished Making a Murderer I moseyed on over to check out the firm page of everybody’s favorite prosecutor-turned-defense-attorney, Ken Kratz. I was curious what old Kenny was up to these days. I’d heard he quit his prosecutor job. So sad.
Before you think I went looking for Ken on some sort of witch hunt because I’m dying to pile-it-on my boy Kentastic, just stop yourself right there. I don’t know Ken Kratz. I only know him from that Netflix series. I may be shallow, but I’m not so shallow as to think it was a fair portrayal of the man. He’s probably an awesome guy.
Actually, he’s probably not. I’m just not positive.
I mean, I’m pretty sure I don’t like him. I’m not completely sure, though. Not yet, anyway. I’d have to know more about him to know for sure. So, if you’re looking for somebody to join your internet shame mob, I’m not meaning to shame the man. Right now. Today.
I am meaning to shame his youtube commercials, though.
It seems that my guy Ken, former prosecutor-Jedi-turned-defender-of-the-meek has himself a happy client! So happy, in fact, that his Grandmother helped film a “testimonial” for Kratz. Thankfully Grandma looked like an actress, dressed like an actress, spoke like an actress, and used facial and hand gestures like an actress. Thankfully she didn’t have any of that un-natural nervousness or awkwardness when the bright lights and professional grade video equipment just happened to be in Kenny-boy’s office the day she walked in.
Thankfully Grandma kept it all together when it was time to come through for K-Kratz.
I know. You’re skeptical. Who am I to say that this isn’t actually Ken’s client’s grandmother. Hell, for all you know it might actually be Ken’s Grandma herself, right? Who the hell am I to say?
I’m not much, but I am a guy who’s seen a lot of client’s grandmothers. I’m a guy who’s sat across a table from plenty of family members of guys who didn’t go to prison. I’m a guy who knows the difference between a legitimately scared grandmother, and Ken Kratz’s acting friend.
I’m also a guy who proved that the only thing between a lawyer and a “client” in a Navy hat saying whatever-the-hell you want takes exactly $5, a short script, and a 24 hour wait.
Uh… I mean I’m a guy who had a client we’ll call “Bob.” He got a DUI and should of been put to death, obviously. He was frightened. His family was frightened. Bob feared the worst and, dammit, probably should have received exactly what he feared. NOBODY COULD HELP BOB!
Bob came to me, though. And because I know former prosecutors who taught me the secret-former-prosecutor-jedi-handshake, I KEPT BOB OUT OF PRISON AND HE IS A FREE MAN FOREVER!
I don’t want to brag or anything, but all it took was a little bit of my fucking charm, my superman undies, and a pinch of that law-magic my former prosecutor friends taught me.
Bob, how you doin’ these days?
I’m not saying mi hombre Kenilicious paid $5 to have some lady put on a Navy hat and pretend he represented her son. I’m saying that he paid her a lot more, and she didn’t even wear the Navy hat. That seems Bogus.